I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
