can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
