He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
