fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
