At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
