yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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