Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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