So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
