I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
