i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you had me at cake vodka
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
They took my balls.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
