A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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