I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
