Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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