Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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