Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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