Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
