Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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