i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Blood and glitter go together right?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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