Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
