I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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