I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
