I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
