Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
