i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
