he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I had to cum in my sink.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
