we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
