Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
