alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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