this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
