you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
