So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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