She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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