I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
