I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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