I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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