There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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