Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
