last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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