after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
