my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
