I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
