I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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