I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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