M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
