so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
