my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
