I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
