Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
