Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
