Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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