how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
